When you're in a close relationship, it's natural that you and your partner will have disagreements and arguments from time to time. Conflict is a normal and even healthy part of any relationship. The key is learning how to fight fair, so that your conflicts don't escalate into all-out battles that damage your connection.
The good news is that with some awareness and skill-building, you can learn to navigate conflict in a way that actually strengthens your relationship. Here are some strategies to help you and your partner fight fair:
Understand What Makes Fights Blow Up in Relationships
Fights often escalate when certain unhelpful patterns emerge. These include:
· The tendency to get defensive
· Arguing while flooded
· Expressing contempt
· Stonewalling
· Blaming or accusatory statements
· Not taking responsibility
Getting Defensive
One of the biggest culprits is the tendency to get defensive when your partner brings up an issue. I know, for me, my first instinct is often to get defensive and justify my position, rather than really listening to where my partner is coming from.
But defensiveness is a surefire way to shut down productive conversation and send the fight spiraling. Instead, try to approach the conflict with openness and curiosity. Remember that your partner is coming to you with their feelings and perspective. Your partner is hurt, angry, or suffering in some way. Try to find out about that. Ask questions about those feelings. This may take a bit of mindful wrestling on your part because you’re going to have feelings too. So, stepping back and realizing that your partner’s feelings are not so much about you as they are about your partner is going to take some deliberate effort.
One way to do this is to actively listen to your partner, even when you disagree with what they're saying. Repeat back what you've heard to show that you're paying attention. Ask clarifying questions. Make an effort to truly understand where they're coming from, even (and maybe especially) if you don't agree.
Another helpful strategy is to take responsibility, even if it's just a little bit. Rather than getting defensive and refusing to admit any fault, try saying something like "You know, you have a point. I could have handled that situation better." Taking ownership for your part in the conflict, no matter how small, can go a long way in defusing tensions.
The bottom line is that defensiveness is the enemy of productive conflict resolution. By consciously avoiding it, you open the door to more constructive dialogue.
Flooding
Another common trigger for blowups is what relationship researchers call "flooding." This happens when you get so overwhelmed by intense emotions like anger, hurt, or fear that you lose your ability to think clearly and communicate effectively.
When you’re flooded, you're much more likely to say or do things you'll regret later. Your brain basically goes into crisis mode, making it hard for you to access the more rational, problem-solving parts of your mind.
Learning to recognize the signs of flooding in yourself and your partner is key. Rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and feeling a strong urge to flee or lash out are all indicators that you're becoming flooded. When you notice these signs, it's time to hit the pause button on the conflict and take a break.
This might look like saying something like "I can feel myself starting to get really upset. Let's take a 20-minute break and come back to this later when we've both calmed down." During the break, do some deep breathing, go for a short walk, or engage in another calming activity.
Once you're both feeling more regulated, you can revisit the issue. But don't try to power through the conflict when you're flooded - that's a recipe for saying things you'll regret.
In addition to recognizing flooding in the moment, it's also important to learn strategies for self-soothing and mutual soothing. Things like deep breathing, visualization, or even just cuddling can help you and your partner come back down to a calmer state.
The more you practice these skills, the better you'll get at catching flooding early and intervening.
Expressing Contempt:
John and Julie Gottman point out that when you treat someone with contempt, you are communicating your dislike and disrespect for that person. You are essentially saying that person is worthless and despised. This happens when you roll your eyes or scoff at your partner, convey things with a tone of sarcasm, call your partner names, or belittle your partner. If this is going on, chances are good that you need a break.
According to the Gottman’s it is important to develop a “culture of appreciation” in your relationship so even in the difficult moments, you don’t lose sight of what is positive and valuable in your relationship and in your partner. This involves remembering and regularly sharing what you appreciate about each other.
Stonewalling
The Gottmans define stonewalling as when one partner withdraws from the argument and no longer responds to the other partner. This can take the form of walking away, going silent, turning your back and not speaking. When this happens, the partner being stonewalled often amps up efforts to break through. This can lead to yelling, histrionics, frightening physical displays of anger and worse, causing the dispute to spiral completely out of control.
Stonewalling is usually a sign of being flooded and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. This leads to needing to shut down, disengage, and escape. As I mentioned above, being flooded shuts down your ability to do anything constructive. When flooded you need to soothe yourself and calm down, slow your heart rate, and restore your ability to think clearly. If you or your partner recognize the onset of flooding, take a break, soothe individually or, if possible, engage in mutual soothing -- breathing together, walking, exercising, doing yoga or tai chi.
Use “I” Statements Not “You” Statements
One way to keep conflicts from escalating is to use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. "I" statements focus on expressing your own feelings and experiences, rather than accusing your partner.
For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me!" you could say "I feel really frustrated when I don't feel heard." The difference is subtle but important. "You" statements tend to blame the other person and put them on the defensive, while "I" statements invite understanding.
When you use "I" statements, you're taking responsibility for your own emotions and experience, rather than blaming your partner. “I” statements make it more likely that your partner will be able to hear your concerns. This creates a more collaborative, problem-solving dynamic, rather than an adversarial one.
Avoid the “Blame Game”
This is another crucial element of fighting fair. When we're in the heat of an argument, it's easy to get caught up in blaming our partner and absolving ourselves of any wrongdoing. But that kind of mindset just keeps the conflict going.
Instead, it's important for both partners to take responsibility for their own actions and contributions to the conflict. Even if you feel that your partner is more "at fault," there's usually something you could have done differently to de-escalate the situation.
Acknowledge your part, no matter how small. Maybe you could have chosen your words more carefully or taken a break when you felt yourself getting flooded. Or perhaps there's a pattern in the relationship, like chronic lateness or forgetfulness, that you both need to work on.
The key is to avoid the "blame game" and instead focus on what each of you can do to improve things going forward. When both partners are willing to take responsibility, it creates an environment of mutual understanding and problem-solving, rather than adversarial finger-pointing.
Of course, this doesn't mean you have to take full responsibility for every conflict. But even taking a small amount of responsibility can make a big difference in the tenor of the conversation.
Fighting Fair Can Strengthen Your Bond
Conflict in relationships can be really tough to navigate. It's easy for things to get heated and out of control. But I hope these strategies have given you some concrete tools to help you and your partner fight fair.
Remember, the goal isn't to avoid conflict altogether - that's not realistic or even desirable in a close relationship. The goal is to learn how to engage in productive, growth-promoting conflicts that ultimately bring you closer together instead of driving you farther apart.
When you fight fair, you're demonstrating to your partner that you value their perspective, you're willing to take responsibility, and you're committed to working through challenges in a constructive way. That kind of mature, collaborative approach to conflict is the hallmark of a strong, healthy relationship.
So, the next time you and your partner find yourselves in the midst of a disagreement, take a deep breath and try out some of these strategies. With practice, you'll get better and better at fighting fair - and you may just strengthen your bond in the process.
Comentarios