If you watch porn, you’re not alone. In fact, a 2023 article in Psychology Today reported that “the top-ranked pornography site had 700,000,000 more total visits than Amazon and 900,000,000, 1,100,000,000, 1,300,000,000, 1,500,000,000, and 1,800,000,000 more total visits than TikTok, OpenAI, LinkedIn, Netflix, and The Weather Channel, respectively." And though this may make it seem like viewing porn is normal, for many people, it can become an unhealthy obsession that negatively impacts their lives, their relationships, their ability to enjoy sex, and their self-esteem. If you're concerned that your porn viewing habits may be a problem, it's important to take an honest look at the role it plays in your life.
Is My Porn Use Becoming an Addiction?
Addiction is defined as the compulsive use of a substance or activity despite negative consequences. With porn, addiction can manifest as an inability to control or cut back on viewing, increased time spent viewing, and escalating use that interferes with work, relationships, or other aspects of life.
Some signs that your porn use may be crossing the line into addiction include:
Spending multiple hours per day viewing porn
Neglecting work, school, or family responsibilities to view porn
Feeling an intense craving or withdrawal when you try to stop
Watching material that violates your personal values.
Attempting to cut back or quit but being unable to do so
Continued use despite negative impacts on your relationships or mental health
If any of these sound familiar, it may be time to seek help from a counselor or therapist who specializes in porn and sex addiction. Addiction counseling can provide tools and support to break the cycle of compulsive porn use.
How Porn Use Can Impact Your Relationships
Excessive porn use doesn't just affect you - it can also take a toll on your intimate relationships. Hiding your porn habit from your partner, or lying about the extent of your use, can lead to feelings of betrayal and a breakdown of trust. In fact, it is quite common for partners of porn users to experience betrayal trauma and PTSD symptoms when they discover their partner’s use. The impact of porn use on your partner can be devastating:
As you become more engrossed in pornography, emotional intimacy may suffer. You might prioritize self-pleasure over shared experiences, leaving your partner to feel neglected and alone. This emotional distance can create a chasm that is hard to bridge, resulting in decreased relationship satisfaction.
Your partner may feel insecure or inadequate in comparison to the sexual acts or body types depicted in your porn. These feelings are often inflamed in your partner by limited or unsatisfying real-life sexual experiences. This can create tension, conflict, and distance in the relationship.
And if you’ve been hiding or lying about your porn use, your partner may feel that nothing else in the relationship has been real, that the entire relationship is a lie.
Porn Use and Sexual Performance
Frequent porn use can impact your sexual performance with your partner. Porn viewing desensitizes you to "normal" sexual stimuli and conditions your brain to respond to the novelty and intensity of porn. This makes it difficult to become aroused or reach orgasm during partnered sex.
Your partner will likely experience your reluctance to have sex and your inability to perform as rejection. It is important to realize that sex is about more than orgasm. When you can’t engage in sex with your partner as an expression of intimacy and connection, you are neglecting key elements of your relationship.
The relationship between porn use and sexual performance is often cyclical. As you become more reliant on porn for sexual gratification, you may find it increasingly challenging to connect with your partner sexually. This can lead to a reliance on porn as a primary source of arousal, creating a feedback loop that worsens the problem.
The Disconnect Between Porn and Personal Values
For many people, the content of the porn they view doesn't align with their personal values and beliefs. You may find yourself viewing material that involves acts you wouldn't want to engage in in real life, or depictions of body types or gender dynamics that clash with your ethical principles.
This disconnect can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and inner turmoil. You may feel like you're betraying your own values and moral code by continuing to indulge in porn, even as you find it difficult to stop.
Is There a Link Between Porn Use and Divorce?
While the relationship between porn use and divorce is complex, some research suggests that frequent porn viewing can be a contributing factor. A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that individuals who view porn at least once a week are twice as likely to be divorced compared to those who don't view porn. Another study, published in the Journal of Sex Research, showed that the likelihood of divorce doubled when one of the partners regularly viewed porn.
The reasons for this correlation are multifaceted. Porn use can lead to relationship issues like decreased intimacy, infidelity, and performance problems in the bedroom. It may also be a symptom of underlying problems in the marriage, such as dissatisfaction, poor communication, or a lack of emotional connection. If your porn habit is causing significant problems in your relationship, it's a good idea to seek help from a couples counselor or sex therapist before those issues escalate.
Taking the Next Steps
If you're concerned that your porn use has become problematic, the first step is to be honest with yourself about the extent of the issue. Don't minimize or justify your behavior - really take a hard look at how it's impacting your life and relationships.
Next, consider reaching out for professional support. A therapist or counselor who specializes in addiction and compulsive sexual behaviors can help you understand the root causes of your porn use and develop healthy coping strategies. They can also provide guidance on how to have open and honest conversations with your partner.
If your porn use is straining your relationship, couples counseling can be incredibly valuable. A therapist can help you and your partner rebuild trust, improve communication, and find ways to reconnect sexually that don't involve porn.
The road to recovery may not be easy, but with the right support and a commitment to change, it is possible to break free from compulsive porn use and rebuild a healthy, fulfilling sex life. Don't be afraid to ask for help - your future self will thank you. At EMDR Associates, we're trained and ready to help you with this issue.
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